Broken

I don’t know if I will ever understand why things haven’t worked out the way I thought they should. I think the most difficult thing in life is the feelings associated with a broken heart. I know it’s definitely a touchy subject. As John Mayer would say you are a nobody until you’ve been hurt. I guess everyone has experienced a broken heart at some point in their life, wether it be from a lost relative, a relationship that has soured, or just simply feeling down. I myself have had my heart set on one girl for a long time. We dated for over two years. It strange how I can recall so many little details and memories throughout the years of being with her. It was a difficult two plus years from the fact that we were separated by distance for the majority of our time together. However the thought of one day being in the same place with this person was enough for us to stick it out. Then in my last semester in college things got difficult. I hadn’t seen her in roughly 3 months. I know what everyone is thinking. Long distance relationships never work. I guess there are exceptions to that but in our case we lasted a long time. Anyways we broke up in February of 2013.

So most people would say well you gave it a good run things didn’t workout so move on with your life. Well I tried honestly I did. I honestly don’t think people understood how important this girl was to me and she still is. She was so kind to me. I knew I could count on her to be there for me. She was there for me when my pop passed away. She was there for me when I came home from my mission. She helped me become a better person. She is a big reason for some of my hippy ways. She motivated me to want more for myself. She cared about people. She taught me how less can be more. I will always cherish our time together.

This is what brings me to today. I am writing this from 40,000 feet above on Southwest flight 426. I am returning to Raleigh from San Diego. Why San Diego you may ask? Well I went to see this girl. I must say that the trip was a bit of a roller coaster. It was difficult because I want to start a relationship again but at the time she does not. It’s the worst feeling. I feel completely empty in a way. I know I have to keep living. She would want me to do that. I cant just sit around and wait for her to  change her mind a huge part of me wants to. Who knows maybe the space and time will help her see how we can one day workout. I realize that is not now. I knew that before I even got on the plane to go. Sometimes its most difficult to be honest with ourselves. I didn’t want to face the reality of us not being together. I was holding on because I can see myself being happy with her.

To anyone that reads this I want you to all understand that this girl cares about me. She didn’t want to break my heart. She has not lead me on in anyway. She has been honest in the way she has been upfront about how now is not a good time. The thing that kept me holding on though is how she said she couldn’t close the door on us in the future. Now some may say that is leading me on; however, she was being honest with me. We have lots of similar interest. We are both still young. I don’t know what the future holds for us but I truly hope that she is happy. I want what is best for her. I want her dreams to come true.

Could we still end up together? Possibly. But I know that I can’t wait and let life pass me by. I need to meet other people and see if there is anything else out there. I know that it will take time to overcome. I guess that’s why Ive been trying so many new things. I have to stay busy so I don’t dwell on the what ifs. What ifs could be one of the worst things in this life. I caution everyone to guard against the what ifs and make the most out of each day and minute we have. Be grateful for the good things in your life. Try and focus on what you do have instead of worrying about what you don’t. I promise you will be happier. It’s going to take sometime but I am going to be ok. The future is as bright as we allow it to be.