Own It

A trend that seems to be on the decline is the ability to accept responsibility for ones actions as well as being able to take constructive criticism! All too often people love to use “You” language instead of “I” language. Personally I learned about this form of communication and the damning effects of how “You” language can be when it comes to relationships back in college. Some examples of “You” language, “You make me so frustrated”, “You make me feel stupid”, “You are never on-time which is making this project difficult to complete.” In these instances you are placing blame on others and adding additional conflict to the situation. Unfortunately many people do not have the emotional intelligence to accept responsibility in a given circumstance. However I believe that if you can change your mentality and use “I” language you will be much better at controlling your emotions and reach greater heights in all aspects of your life.

Here are some examples of how “I” language can be applied to the previous examples, “I yelled at her because she didn’t call me on-time which caused me to become frustrated”, ” I feel stupid when you don’t consider my solutions”, ” I have a difficult time completing the project on-time when you are late.” By presenting your emotions in this way you are displaying emotional intelligence and power over your own emotions. Another positive to “I” language is that it causes you to stop for a second and analyze the situation. Not only will others understand your emotions more clearly but you will as well. “I” language is also much more descriptive and helpful to others because it helps them understand the root of the conflict! As you can see in our examples “You” language tends to be blunt and very confrontational, yet “I” language takes ownership and provides additional background as to why you feel a certain way.

When someone comes at another person with “You” language it is easy for that person to become standoffish. No one likes to be blamed for a certain problem, even if they are a main reason for it. Another human response that results from “You” language is to shut down. I know many people who do not like confrontation which causes them to become quite and hold their feelings within themselves.

Now I am sure some are thinking, “Well it is their fault and they deserve the blame!” This is where confidence and security comes into play. You must be confident in your own abilities and secure enough in who you are to be the bigger person in these situations! All that you should be concerned with is how can you be a part of the solution. How can I help? What can I do to make things better? You will find that the rationale to many conflicts that are bound to happen in life are the result of our own imperfections as humans. We must all coexist with each other despite how different we are from one another.

I believe that we can all foster a better environment with the ones we share our lives with by employing “I” language instead of “You” language. The next time a problem arises try and incorporate “I” language in assisting in the resolution of the problem. Also take responsibility for your own mistakes! I cannot count how many times I have personally grown or been complimented in the times that I have made an error and then owned up to it. People will respect you if you have the ability to be taught and accept constructive criticism.

Always remember that all anyone or yourself can ask for is your best. Sometimes your best may not be good enough, however; in those rare occasions you can hold your head high knowing that you gave it your best shot. I love sports and how they teach you how to fail! My favorite sport is basketball, throughout my 24 years I have played countless games of basketball. Basketball has taught me how to fail and keep pushing forward. It has taught me a mental toughness to have the confidence to make my next shot following a miss. Throughout a game there will be moments where things do not go your way. You may be struggling to score, or you may have committed a costly turnover. Yet the game continues and you must be ready when you are called upon again.

Early in my life I wasn’t as willing to accept responsibility for my mistakes. I liked to use “You” language; however, as I have gained more experience in life I have learned to have confidence in my abilities to solve any problem. I am ok with being the scape goat if I am needed to play that role. I like to believe I am strong enough to take that role on. Michael Jordan is very outspoken on his believe that he was as successful as he was because he wasn’t afraid to fail. He missed far more game-winners than he made; yet he never turned down a good look with the game on the line. He was ok with the backlash of media or the ruthless criticism that would ensue. He knew that he had prepared himself to the best of his ability to perform in those moments!

We may never have the hopes of thousands riding on one shot, not withstanding; we may have an important friendship or relationship riding on our ability to control our emotions. The old tale that states, “sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me” doesn’t always hold true. Another tale contradicts this statement, “the pen is mightier than the sword.” Words can either unite people or cause dissension. Words can lift people up or they can tear people down. As 2014 comes to a close I implore you to take a look within yourself and make sure you are being a part of the solution and not a part of the problem.

I challenge everyone to accept responsibility for your own actions and to exercise control over your own emotions. As you do this you will find that others will turn to you for advice and aid in solving problems. You will be respected by those you work with and you will have a greater relationship with those you love. Remember there are always consequences for any given action, it is up to you if it will be a positive one or a negative one!